 |
| #5941 | | I used to live in a house by the freeway. When I went anywhere, I had
to be going 65 MPH by the end of my driveway.
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights. Now it looks
like I'm the only one moving.
I was pulled over for speeding today. The officer said, "Don't you know
the speed limit is 55 miles an hour?" And I said, "Yes, but I wasn't going
to be out that long."
I put a new engine in my car, but didn't take the old one out. Now
my car goes 500 miles an hour.
-- Steven Wright
|
|
| #5942 | | I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near
the place.
-- Steven Wright
|
|
| #5943 | | I was at this restaurant. The sign said "Breakfast Anytime." So I
ordered French Toast in the Rennaissance.
-- Steven Wright
|
|
| #5944 | | "I was drunk last night, crawled home across the lawn. By accident I
put the car key in the door lock. The house started up. So I figured
what the hell, and drove it around the block a few times. I thought I
should go park it in the middle of the freeway and yell at everyone to
get off my driveway."
-- Steven Wright
|
|
| #5945 | | I was in a bar and I walked up to a beautiful woman and said, "Do you live
around here often?" She said, "You're wearing two different-color socks."
I said, "Yes, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness."
She said, "How do you feel?" And I said, "You know when you're sitting on a
chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so
you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like
that all the time..."
-- Steven Wright, "Gentlemen's Quarterly"
|
|
| #5946 | | I was in Vegas last week. I was at the roulette table, having a lengthy
argument about what I considered an Odd number.
-- Steven Wright
|
|
| #5947 | | I was the best I ever had.
-- Woody Allen
|
|
| #5948 | | "I went into a general store, and they wouldn't sell me anything specific".
-- Steven Wright
|
|
| #5949 | | "I went to a job interview the other day, the guy asked me if I had any
questions , I said yes, just one, if you're in a car traveling at the
speed of light and you turn your headlights on, does anything happen?
He said he couldn't answer that, I told him sorry, but I couldn't work
for him then.
-- Steven Wright
|
|
| #5950 | | "I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the
statues that are in all the other museums."
-- Steven Wright
|
|
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